A Crack In The Wall- Asha Ponnachan

When the plumber ran his fingers over a crack on the wall, his eyes seemed to gleam with questions of competence, my competence. He looked at me, the crack and back at me. Alarm bells rang in the voice of my parents, teachers, neighbours and every other voice I knew from my childhood. And they all seemed to shout in unison- “are you good enough??” The implication being that I am not and never will be.

I was back in school. It was sports day and home room teacher had pressured me into entering the 100m race. As she stood there watching, my P E teacher’s words drowned any seed of confidence that had sprouted. “You can never do this.” The referee’s voice shattered the void of waiting and I proved my P E teacher right. My home room teacher continued to stand by the side with a disappointed look or so it seemed to me. She said later, “It’s ok, you’re good at other things”, but I heard ‘you’ll never be good enough’. Another day, close to my 16^th birthday popped up and my mother asked me why I wasn’t more like my friend because she looked good in any kind of clothing where as I seemed to be bursting at the seams. My body had outgrown new clothes in a matter of weeks. I hadn’t yet learned to blame my hormones for this change. There was no one to blame but me and no one to be judged but me. Judgement had become my enemy and constant companion. He stood by my side in everything I did even though I hated him.

As an adult who went through therapy and healing, I managed to befriend judgement at which point he politely walked away from my life, at least for the most part. Occasionally though, he shows up in the eyes of a random stranger, a plumber who spoke no judgemental words. It seems my enemy has left his footprints in my head. Perhaps, his scent and while he has left, I am still figuring out what kind of deep cleaning or paint job would be required to rid my head of his scent.

Asha Ponnachan is an actor and versatile author whose written works include 3 international bestselling books, multiple articles, stage and short film scripts. Follow her on instagram- asha_p_v for more details on her work.